- We appreciate what you’re trying to do!
- Tell us a joke! The one's you've been telling so far have been brilliant.*
- Could you speak a bit louder please?
- Would you like a woman to sort it out?
- Oh, Thom.
- I drew you a cat.**
- And yet.
- I/we love you, but not how you're being just right now.
- 'Buffy' didn't start till 1997!
- Twisted fire hazard!
- Is it moral?
- [any prime number]
- Weird cuckold situation.
- Sounds a bit Catholic to me, to you!***
- And also with you.[Or any of the other congregation responses from the Catholic mass, e.g. "Lord graciously hear us" and "Amen".]
- That'll help the iMDB.
- I only heard a 'sp-'.
- CUDDLE! If you'd like.
- Thankyou very much, Joz Norris!
- Fuck the binary.***
- Ah, now we understand each other.
- You're not going to bounce back!
- That's EXACTLY what was wrong.
- Don't tell the Bishop!
*Not permitted if said sarcastically.
**Only permitted if accompanied by a drawing of a cat. A MORALLY GOOD CAT. Inexplicably popular.
*** Why yes, this one did USED to be "Sounds a bit Catholic to me,[insert name here]!" An organic bit of business at Edfringe 2023 meant an amend was needed.
**** In addition to this, we also have a pending Permitted Heckle of "the non-binaries get it", suggested by an act at Edfringe 2023 during their raucously-received set by the NBs in the room.
Please note, the above heckles are only permitted at the Alternative Comedy Memorial Society (ACMS) shows. Purged heckles include the little used "Help - my friend here is having a stroke. Not really.", the initially practical "It's next to Espionage!", the fiscally unsound "Can I have Joz's tenner?", the admonitory "No more whisk[e]y for you!", the sartorially helpful "I've got a vest!", the cruelly accusatory "That's a Joe Pasquale joke, surely" and an extremely specific series of disruption-apologies, including "Sorry, I've got tickets for Stewart Lee. (They're £24.)", "Gonna catch a train. I'm sorry." and "I left my coat."
There is also a heckle permitted only at the ACMS Awards (typically held on our last show of the Fringe): "ting ting ting SPEECH".
There are different permitted heckles for use at the Alternative Alternative Comedy Memorial Society (AACMS) rival/splinter shows. These include:
- There's one in Worcester!
- Also creepy.
- Stick to your guns!
- That's a Tony Law joke, surely.
- Yes, you're the Third Earl of Right!